The madness

So I’m almost 100% certain that at some point in their lives everyone get just the tiniest bit crazy. 😁I mean you’ll be fine for the whole day even though you woke up feeling nauseous and definitely didn’t want to go to university at 9 a.m on a Monday because that means that you have to be up at 6 a.m for the hour long commute that you have to arrange your social life about. It also means that you are tired. 💴

On Monday I had that kind of a day. My alarm went off at 6 a.m telling me that it was never going to let me get enough sleep. I rolled out of bed and spent 20 minutes somehow doing nothing which resulted in my rushing of my make up application. All I can say about that it make sure to check that you haven’t got bright pink lipstick on your fingers when your putting on your necklace💄 it leaves a nice smudge that makes everyone think that you were going at it with somebody:oops:😘 and gains you numerous stares from strange men over 40 that suddenly think that the 18 year old with lipstick on has literally popped out of a porno of some kind – YUK!!!&#x1f637

Anyways, I missed my bus. That was the moment I realised I was have a bad day. The moment that I ran for a bus (something that I NEVER do) and  it drove on without me I just knew it was gonna be a shifty day. Call it what you will a sixth sense, a psychic ability or a premonition I saw the entire day flash in front of my eyes and I almost went back home. The trouble with being a university student is that suddenly you’re not a teenager anymore. I mean sure I’m eight-teen but I’m meant to be an adult. That is not easy. I’m suddenly expected to know exactly what the right things is to do and to not make mistakes. Sure people say that’s how you learn through mistakes and that it’s okay to make them but when you do you always seem to end up shit creek without a paddle.

On Monday I made the mistake of being tired which in all fairness isn’t my fault after all it’s not like I went to sleep late or anything in fact I went to sleep at 10 o’clock I was that tired from Saturday night (No you filthy minded people I was not doing the dirty or bumping the uglies on Saturday night I was visiting family). All the same the trek to the next bus stop felt like I had walked a pilgrimage with bare feet and broken glass as the sidewalk. Okay, so I’m exaggerating it wasn’t that bad but I’m a lazy soul and we don’t like to have to move when we don’t want to. It’s probably be why I’ve never been a morning person.

The first lecture I had was horrific with me trying not to fall asleep and for the second not even 2 coffees from Costa (God bless the caffeinated goodness) could keep me from dosing off. Of course I had to wake up just to be reminded of the horrid test I have next week. Whilst I’m not exactly worried about the test I’m a ball of stress. What got me going crazy on the inside wasn’t just about having a bad day. Oh no, it was the fact that everyone kept looking at me. At first I thought I’d been caught sleeping in class and then when left I thought it might be something in my teeth or on my face or that my crazy hair had, well been looking crazy.

Alas, this was not the case, I’d checked myself in the toilet mirror before leaving campus and again in my compact. Only when I got home and started to cook dinner did somebody tell me what was wrong. I need it to be noted that I love my younger brother very much and that in all of his 15 years of life he has never been a social butterfly but he does know how to behave to other people which is why you can understand why what happened next made explode.

He walks into the kitchen was s I begin to prepare dinner looks at me and says “Ewww you have so many spots on your face go wash it.” Now, I’m not somebody that gets easily upset because of other people’s insults but I used to have bad skin (not that it’s perfect now but it’s lost so much of its extremity). I’ve always been conscious about my skin, my thighs, stomach and bum. I’m not so much worried about having perfect skin I just wish that the spots didn’t leave horrid dark spots speckled all over my chin, forehead and cheeks. About my thighs yeah I would like a “thigh gap” but purely because the so-called “chub-rub” between them can get painful to an unnatural level. I mean seriously to wear a skirt or dress (without tights) or even shorts  is like asking for my thighs to create enough friction to start a bush fire between them and burn me from my thighs inwards.

So, as you can imagine I had a moment of madness. I firstly flung the  wooden spoon I was about to use to store the contents of the pan straight at him (yes, I missed. yes, I throw like a girl – I am one)  and went utterly silent. On the inside I was screaming and fighting, hating everyone and everything in the world I wanted to just let it all out to go hit something and curl up and cry all at the same time. So I did the only thing I could I walked out of the house and crossed the roads before I have even had any idea as to what I was doing. I was just so stick and tired of everything and everyone. I needed to escape.

Maybe it was childish and maybe I am just a bratty teen that needs to grow the Hell up but whatever! I ended up in a park sat on the swings with  a slushy (see I can be responsible no alcohol);)🍷I was there for 3 hours I ignored the calls I got and needless to say that when I got home and my mom was angry at my disappearing act all I did was stand there as a tear slid down my face. I know it’s such a silly thing to do and to be upset about but honestly I’m like a pressurized time bomb when it comes to stress I store all my worries and frustrations inside adding more and more emotion and anger until I explode and this time I never properly exploded I cried the tiniest bit and forced myself to snap out of it.

Some people might say that’s just growing up, well, honestly I’m not. I stopped crying because I hate that it makes me feel weak…so many emotions do that to me now. In all honesty I’m just trying to be happy but I swear I suffer from SAD (Seasonally Afflicted Depression) every time that winter and autumn roll rounding grumpy, sad start to loathe myself and others around me it’s a silly thing really but it’s happened for the past 4 years.

It might be bad form to be so brutally honest about oneself within a blog post on the internet but at the same time I don’t need to have perfect form. I am after all unfinished and perfect as it is. There is  beauty to be found in broken things and everything breaks at  some point. The challenge isn’t whether or not you pass or fail it’s about how well you handle that situation, which something my mom’s always taught me and something that I will always live by. In the end all we are is a soul with a body and emotion in a humanoid vessel each of us uniquely perfect with no two souls being identical, maybe that is why I had a bad day, it was just my turn.

Monday Mourning

So after this weekend I’m feeling just a tad bit emotional and a hell of a lot grateful for the people within my life. Working my way backwards its easy to see why when a close friend drops the bomb that their aunt died the day school broke out. When he says he’s feeling numb and not phased by this I should naturally be astonished and admonish him for being so cold-hearted. But I can’t because I seem to be the single one of my friends that has never lost somebody I am close to. I feel dang lucky for it but that doesn’t mean that I can’t imagine what its like to lose somebody. I’ve watched my father’s father pass on from beside my living room but I was too young to remember him and in another country so I didn’t see the funeral. I have never worn a black dress and felt the pain of those who grieve for their loved ones, not once. But I have heard stories, the truths of losing someone from my mother, who in my opinion in a fountain of information and knowledge and the most beautiful soul I have ever seen.

My mother lost her own when she was fifteen years old. It was the medical monster that so many battle and that so many do not beat, Cancer, of the cervix to be specific about it. She was ill for a long time, my mother and her siblings were forced to live elsewhere during term time so that they could get an education and my grandmother could get rest. They couldn’t afford the treatments, a sad but honest fact about life in Zimbabwe. My mother sat with me and described how she felt when she died. She heard the news but it was just words to her, she accepted that she wouldn’t see her mom again, she knew it but she didn’t truly feel the loss. Perhaps it was because she had cared for her, or she had seen her mothers suffering or maybe it was just denial. I think it was shock, because no matter how much you prepare for it and try to accept it before hand it is still going to shock you. She told me that she never really understood why people where giving her condolences and pitying glances, she didn’t understand why they kept telling her to cry and that it would be okay. My mother thought she was going go get home from school at the end of term and she’d see her mom again. That never happened. She got home from term and her mothers partner gave them their mothers things and told them to leave. That was when she realised she wasn’t coming back, when she realised that she her mother was gone from his world. She cried, she missed her time to grieve because she couldn’t feel it, it had felt like she was walking through a dream.

Each wave of grieve will carry you closer to the shore and here you will find peace and joy once again, it might not be the same but it will be a place where you can find love and happiness.

My father was the same. When he lost his dad, he cried so much on the first day he heard the news and the second and third and then he went numb, and he acted like everything was fine. So did my uncle, his younger brother, they carried on and carried on with my cousin his birthday party and afterwards they realised that they had lost their father and they cried. They grieved.  I don’t know much about death but maybe that’s just the way it is for everyone.  When my friend told me about his aunt I didn’t know what to say. He adored his aunt, she was the one he went to for everything, they had the kind of bond that you only hear about in novels and watch in indie films but it was there. Now she’s gone.  His loss seems to have triggered something within me, my friend and I were close a long time ago, but broken hearts and trust left me distancing myself from him, I’m still distant but it means something that when he felt numb it was me he spoke to, that even in this he somehow thinks i will say the right thing. Maybe for him my story about my moms own experiences with loss were the right thing, maybe he just wanted to hear that its okay to not feel anything right now that its okay to be numb. Or maybe it way the comfort of having somebody not push him to remember his aunt and not tell him to tell me all the memories he has of her or to tell him that its going to be okay. Maybe its just due to the fact that I couldn’t lie to him and promise that it’s going to be okay when I don’t know if it will be? I told him that HE would be okay, that I was sorry and that I’m here for him despite everything.

You can find peace in tears as they wash away the pain and fill your heart with a love that will never die.

I don’t know if any of that was the right thing to say, how could I, I’ve never lost anyone. But whether or not they loved you back or you got a chance to say goodbye before their death, you loved them and that love for them will carry you through this and if you feel stuck, like you can’t let go and leave it behind you that okay too because you don’t have to. There’s a difference between moving on and letting go, when you move on that person is till in you heart and they always will be, you just have to move forward they are still with you even if you continue with life. As for letting go, it doesn’t mean you’re forgetting them, they’re still there they will always be a part of who you are what it means is that you can make peace with hem being gone and not coming back and that you can smile as you cry because you know that they left this world being loved whether or not they knew it, you can find peace int he fact that you loved them as much as you could, and if you feel like you could have done more, then that’s okay too because no human being is perfect.

We live and die in a world made up of imperfect people who see perfection in the ones that love, so even if the person who has passed were not in love with you somebody out there is and somebody out there will love you again. I don’t know much about losing somebody but I think that if it were to happen to me, all I’d want to hear, what id want to know is that there is somebody out there in the world that cares no matter who they are, because if one person other than myself care and can tell me no matter how so I know that I can be okay because it gives me a reason to carry on. So this is me telling the world I care and that I love you, that I love them whether I know them or not, and I always will just the same as you.

Michelle

xxx

So, I’m a hypocrite…but its okay!

Your average arrogant man…sigh..they need to stop.

So, do you ever just see a man who you instantly dislike? You know the ones that chew gum loudly, laugh like they have to flirt with everyone and are smug because they think they’re smooth, yet they’re wearing shorts and a too tight t-shirt with outdated glasses. Sure maybe the guy has got a girl somewhere but at the end of the day he oozes some kind of arrogance that makes you want to know how to get on that level of life but also makes you wish somebody would slap him. After all, there’s only so much arrogance that  a person can witness from another human being that hasn’t even opened said a word to them before you snap. You know the type?

Experiences such as these are the worst kind because as I sit on my bus typing out this horribly long description of a stranger I find myself a complete hypocrite. After all am I not the same person that berates my brother and cousins for doing the same thing in hushed tones behind their back. Yet there is a slight beauty in my ability to contradict myself on a hot summers day when I stop trying to be profound and just want to wash the ick sticky heat from my body and eat my KFC. It’s not very beautiful but it’s still there, it’s a reminder to myself and to everyone else that so far as I am aware we are all human, that we all have flaws, we always have, from Eve falling to the temptation of the forbidden fruit to Adam eating it. Nobody can be societies version of perfect because it isn’t real and it doesn’t exist. My judgemental hypocritical moments remind me that perfection is only found in total acceptance and adoration. This means that you have to see the truth of something or someone and not just accept their flaws but also embrace them to the point of adoration.

I know that this post is a load of jumbled up thoughts thrown onto a page in a hurry but honestly its my truth and that is something I believe people are often terrified to show the world. How do you show  others something we’re indoctrinated to fear to the point that we don’t even show ourselves. Our true reflections…are they really as frightening as well all think they are?

Shell xxx

Be You!

Well lets face it we’re all scared of the Oblivion… but the simple fact is that we are all gonna die (the sooner you accept this fact the easier it will be). There really is nothing we can do about dying, but you can choose to live your life in a way that will make you completely happy. So in the last days of your life you can say you had no regrets.

We don’t regret the things we did even if they were  mistakes, we call them life lessons and move on from them. By making mistakes we learn and grow as people but if you’re too scared to make a mistake how do you possibly grow. Take a chance and do what you love because in the end do you want to say ‘I lived a life that I was never truly satisfied with’ or do you want to say ‘I lived a completely amazing  life doing all the things I wanted’. I know which I want to say in my last few days. In the immortal words of J.K. Rowling –

“It is impossible to live without failing at something, unless you live so cautiously that you might as well not lived at all – In which case you fail by default”

So what now?

Once you make the chose to live the life you want the real hard part begins, now it’s time to figure out what you want form your life. Why is this the hard part you might be asking? Well there is a whole world out there and a billion paths you could take in your life but most only know the obvious. The path that goes a little like this- School- University- Marriage-Job- Children (This is a simplified version of this path). If this is the path for you cool, do you boo. Just don’t chose this path because it’s the safe one if your hearts not in it. To me this path is too linear; it’s all one after another.

So firstly I’m gonna tell you what my personal path is, then I’m gonna tell you how to find yours.

I personally know that I want to help people, that and make art. I need a way to help people while still been able to be creative. That’s why I decided I wanted to do volunteer work in third world countries. While I’m there I can be inspired by the local art, tradition and culture. My art comes from what I see and experience. Well that will be one hell of an experience (I hope, I haven’t started yet I’m still in school but when I do I’ll defiantly take you all along with me). I don’t know where my path will lead me from there, well I guess that’s the beauty. I’m just gonna have to wait and see what happens. I really like that, not knowing where I’m going from the end of sixth form, is yes, very scary but it’s also the most exciting thing that I could do. This isn’t for everyone, many people would be petrified but weirdly I’m not scared of going I’m scared of what my mom will say/think (but that’s a post for a different day). The thing about my path is I don’t know where I’m gonna start from I might get a job and save money first or I might just take off one day out of the blue. I still don’t know, but as they say –

“Life’s a journey, not a destination”.

But enough about me, you really want to know how to decide what path you need to take. Just always remember at any time you can change paths just because you’re on a path now doesn’t mean it’s the right one. You just have to have courage and conviction that you’ll know the path you’re meant to be on when you find it.

So how do you find it?

1. Know who you are as a person. Know what you like and what makes you happy. What do you do for fun and what are your passion and hobbies (do you see a theme the word ‘You’ and ‘Your’ keeping coming up. Take the hint this is not about other people this is for ‘You’)
2. Look for the trends in the stage above. This is basically looking for recurring themes and ideas in your personal profile. For example-The themes that I discovered in my own list ( I wrote all this on a piece of paper, I’m gonna tweet the list later maybe) were as follows-
   • Different world countries I wanted to see.
   • Different types of arts and crafts.
   • Different charities that I liked.
   • Food  (enough said).
3. How can all these things on your personal profile comes together to make on path for you. Now this is the hard part and it does take some time. Just don’t stress, for some people they find their path really easy for other like me their path is really hard to find. Sometimes it does take some time like I only really knew that I didn’t want to go university in the last few weeks (I knew I wanted to travel and do charity work, but I though I’d do all that after university). For I long time I thought I wanted to go university but then I realised that I really didn’t, all I really wanted to do was leave home. Well going university was all about getting away from home. That’s not the reason you should go university, you should go because you want to.
4. Next steps. Once you find your path and know what you what you want to do, you then have to figure out the ‘How’ and ‘When’ (I’m struggling with the ‘When’ my self, so don’t worry too much). You want to set a realistic time frame for all this. I’m not saving you need to know what will happen ever minute of every day, all I’m saying is don’t plan to start on your new path when you know that I will not happen because of a commitment that can’t be broken(such as an exam). this will only lead to you being disappointed. Also don’t wait too long to start your plans, The longer you wait the harder it becomes, just keep this in mind when you are waiting-            
5. Start on your new path. It’s that simple and that hard so just Start.

Well that’s it, that’s all the advice I have on this subject. I do want to say one thing your path is never set in stone, you can always change it. So don’t worry Just ‘Be You’. I wish you all the best of luck on your path. let me know what happens because I’d really want to know where you end up.

X Anisa X

 

 

What is the Oblivion?

There are so many things that happen every second of every day that sometimes we forget to take notice of the little things that are actually pretty big. Babies are born, lives are lived, parties are thrown and life goes on. But we are all faced with the impending doom of the inevitable oblivion, the darkness at the end of the journey that we call death. We talk about death, life after death and the various in-between’s that may be possibilities for us – by us I refer to those who are conscious. We cannot determine whether or not there is a life after death, it is a fact we will only truly discover once we have fallen into the abyss, however, the fact that were are conscious is an indication of something more than nothingness resulting in the belief in the big S. A ‘Something More’ existing for us souls that leave the bodies we now inhibit.

“There will come a time when all of us are dead. All of us.” John Green

This inspirational quote from John Green’s The Fault in Our Stars has become an important saying in modern-day society, we now have teenagers attempting to be articulate and profound reading books with big words or watching films of old classics, that they continue to regurgitate to anyone who will listen. The decay in originality and creativity is so great that people don’t even recognise this regurgitation is equivalent to that of a high school student regurgitating the entire contents of their brain in an exam they have no hopes to pass as they blame their teacher for their lack of concentration and dedication. However, the point being made by Mr Green is an important one, the fact that death is ultimately inevitable to everything and one and could occur at any given time to any given person despite their age health or other factors is just a consequence of living. Once you are born your purpose is to live until you are no longer capable to, this realisation can result in two kinds of reactions the pondering of the meaning of life and what eternity is or the acceptance of the fact that death is inevitable and that we shall all eventually fall into an oblivion and continue to live in the same manner as the rest of society and the cultured world we inhibit.

“We are going to die, and that makes us the lucky ones.” Richard Dawkins

Most people will never be born, never have the opportunity to live or a chance to even fear death. He came to the beautiful epiphany that “The potential people who could have been here in my place but who will in fact never see the light of day outnumber the sand grains of Arabia.” we will not be remembered for who we are or what we have done. Two-hundred years from now some names may be recalled, some few people who did things that you nor I have ever heard of occurring. There will be new technology, new advances, new mentalities. We shall be no more than relics, a memory of a race that is slowly dying yet persist in fighting the inevitable oblivion the entire way. We could take this inevitability to mean that we should all just give up, that there is no point in life, that the human race should fall into decadence that is worse than that of the 1920’s and more demoralised than the worst of our criminals.

We could take this inevitable oblivion as an omen to destroy ourselves, slowly or quickly, it matters not. Or we could decide, consciously, that our oblivious can be beautiful, bright and colourful. We could choose for our lives to mean more, despite the fact that we will be forgotten. We can stop caring about what is right and what is wrong because life is not a single palette with black and white on opposing sides, it is a spectrum much like the one we see when we look outside of a window or similar to the scale of frequencies we hear when we listen to a song. We can do something amazing, we can accept the oblivion and through this accept the freedom we all deserve to choose. To chose sexuality, love, life, forgiveness, to be forgiven. To chose our own paths in life whatever they may be, career wise as well as within our personal lives we should be able to have a choice of whether or not we want children, whether or not we dress or act in a specific way. We should give others that choice. We could do all these things and when the oblivion finally greets us, when death knocks on your door and asks you to take his hand you can accept it readily. You can smile at the face of the oblivion and shed the body and see what we spend our lives contemplating, craving, dreading and fearing. You can leave the bodily realm and you, the soul, can be free and enjoy the beauty that you have created within that one instance.

War, murder, death, theft, hate and jealousy. We may never experience everything but in the oblivion we will experience true life. By fighting for gay rights, feminist motives, humanitarian wants, equality, lives of others, hope, love and kindness you are making the oblivion less daunting. We cannot stop oblivion but we can make it a beautiful thing, beautiful enough to give us peace in our deaths, no matter how we may die. My way of making oblivion beautiful is through words, Richard Chenevix Trench once said “Words convey the mental treasures of one period to the generations that follow; and laden with this, their precious freight, they sail safely across gulfs of time in which empires have suffered shipwreck and the languages of common life have sunk into oblivion.” This is why I will be writing this blog, to share with the future generations, the rest of the universe, that  we can accept oblivion and move forward, that we can see, accept and shape the ‘bigger picture’ every soul is a part of. Oblivion is inevitable but it is also a beautiful thing to watch humanity live in knowledge of this and continue to make their individual oblivious a nirvana. Because this is what we crave, an end to life that is freedom from life and our consequential suffering, forged from the extinction of individual passion, hatred,and delusion. 

This is what our Blog will be about our own little nirvana’s the way in which we make life better for not just ourselves but others, future generations and those alive today. We’ll discuss topics that we feel need addressing whether they are common or not, just the stuff you wander about at night before you slip back into the deepest part of your mind when you are no longer within your body but you are free to wander, your mind, heart and soul as you drift into a temporary state of ecstasy.

Shell X